Sibling Rivalry – How to improve relationships
We all dream that our children are going to be close, with idyllic family times filled with happiness and harmony. Sadly, our children don’t get that memo and you can quickly find yourself refereeing endless arguments and wails of ‘It’s not fair’ or ‘it wasn’t my fault, they started it!’ This can be exhausting and very time consuming so let’s explore how we can help our children to begin to solve their own problems, build better sibling bonds and a more harmonious family life.
It’s normal!
This is the first thing to accept. No child is pre-programmed to share and self-regulate so, in the same way they develop physically and learn how to sit and walk, they also need to develop their social skills. They are innately driven to vie for your attention and if someone or something is getting in the way then behaviour can become more and more extreme until your attention is gained. This means that squabbling, unkind words, snatching, ridicule and fighting with their sibling can become a very effective way of successfully gaining your attention. They need guidance and practice to find more positive ways to achieve this. It’s important to define what good behaviour means to you, so they have clear understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable – ‘I can see you’re cross but it’s not OK to hit me or anyone else’
Evaluate your role
Accepting that tolerance, respect, cooperation and compromise are skills that need to be developed, let’s look at our role in supporting that. It’s totally natural for us to want to jump in and stop the arguments and disagreements, to stop the noise and solve the problem. However, this can fuel the jealousy and resentment with claims of ‘you always take his side’. A more effective way is to begin to give them strategies to problem solve between themselves using the 5 steps of problem solving
Clarify the problem – ‘what is the problem here?’
Share ideas of possible solutions – ‘so what ideas can you think of to solve it?’
Evaluate the ideas – ‘what might happen if you chose that solution?’
Agree which idea to try – avoid making any judgment, allow them to agree.
Try the idea – review if it works, they may need to go back to 2 if not!
Alongside this strategy use your own observations to identify if there is a pattern to the disagreements. Listen to the language they use, when does it happen? Who is the instigator and what is the response? Does is happen in the same location? It may be helpful to keep a diary with details for a couple of weeks. This information enables you to pre-empt and support trigger situations, giving reminders of good practice – ‘we’re going have supper now so let’s remember to listen to each other and use kind words’
Respect and Consistency
We strive to give equal amounts of attention to each of our children, showing no favouritism, so the ‘it’s not fair’ complaint can trigger some uncomfortable feelings for us. It’s important to help them understand that fairness doesn’t consist of doing or having exactly the same thing, as they are unique and have individual needs. The baby needs your physical help with feeding and carrying because they can’t do it for themselves, but waiting for you to be free is hard for the older child. Guiding them to have empathy and acknowledging their feelings reduces the frustration and resentment that can build up, ‘I can see you finding it hard to wait and want me to come and help you with your Lego now, your brother can’t feed himself so I need to finish, then we will have time together. What shall we do first?’ Involving them in creating a set of boundaries and house rules which they can decorate and display is a helpful tool and gives you something to refer to when they are slipping into negative behaviours. When trying to change patterns of behaviour, reward charts can be useful as it gives you another opportunity to notice and praise the desired behaviour.
Effective Communication
Our children constantly watch our behaviour and responses to situations - we are their role model and they follow our example. If we have a tendency to shout when we’re trying to get our point over, then it’s likely they will too! Involving them in creating a set of acceptable ways to communicate with each other and then consistently reminding them of these boundaries is key to developing a respectful and harmonious home. Helping children to become aware of their own feelings, and how their responses affect others begins to develop empathy and enables them to channel their emotions more positively. Picking up on the language they use to each other and asking them how they could say that differently gives them practice and reinforces boundaries of acceptable communication and behaviour. Alongside this we can focus on praising them for when they get things right ‘I like the way you were patient and used kind words with your sister’ giving them your much desired attention for the behaviour you want to encourage, rather than when they’re squabbling. Supporting them to celebrate their sibling’s successes and differences without labelling them as ‘the sporty one’ or ‘the clever one’ will also build respect, reduce competition and increase self-esteem. Beware of having higher expectations of the older child to be more responsible or tolerant as this can backfire leading to resentment. Discuss with them why the rules are different e.g. bedtime and try to ensure everyone has individual time with you or space to do their own thing. Even 10 mins a day of special 1:1 time is invaluable and gives them the undivided attention they need. Building a team spirit is also important and you can do this by organising a time where you all share a meal, activity, watch a programme or film together, taking turns to choose and role modelling compromise and negotiation skills.
Ultimately, we want them to develop a bank of experiences to be able to resolve disagreements independently, so our role is to give them practice – I’m here to help!!
