Managing Big Feelings and Meltdowns

24 Aug

Anybody who has spent time looking after children will have experienced that meltdown moment, when big emotions take over and can result in an outburst of tears, screaming, or a full blown tantrum. This is very distressing for everyone and our immediate reaction is to try and make it stop. If you watch any child in this situation, they are not having a good time or choosing to feel this way and therefore approaching them with empathy and acceptance is a positive starting point.

The most important response is to acknowledge, name and validate the feeling or emotion they’re expressing “I can see you’re really annoyed with me because I’ve asked you to turn off the TV when you’re enjoying it” Putting their feelings into words increases awareness and develops emotional vocabulary as well as demonstrating that you understand their feelings.

All behaviour is communication and meltdowns are particularly common in the early years when children haven’t developed their language to be able to express themselves or self regulate. We need to stay with them, making sure they are safe, and give them time to calm down.

Accept every mood and emotion rather than categorising into good or bad, it’s unrealistic for anyone to be happy all of the time and we need to feel comfortable with expressing a full range of emotions. Children learn how to behave in response to how they are treated and through watching those around them. So when you’re feeling overwhelmed try to role model and verbalise the strategies you are using to help calm down “I’m feeling very frustrated at the moment so I’m going to spend some time on my own before continuing with this conversation”

Feelings and emotions are temporary and it’s important to help children understand that they won’t always feel this way. It’s a bit like the weather, changeable, you may prefer sunny days rather than rain, so knowing the sun will come again is helpful.

Give your full attention, completely focus on them so that they feel your support and acceptance. If they are on the floor, get down and be close to them, “I can see that this is very difficult for you and you’re feeling frustrated, do you need a hug?” When they are ready to talk use empathetic listening, without judgement or trying to fix things, allowing them to express and learn to recognise what they are feeling.

Avoid bringing your own experiences and linking your emotions to the situation, it’s not helpful to fuel their outrage, frustration, or rejection because you feel protective. Encourage them to look at the facts and help them come up with ideas that might solve the problem. “It sounds as though you feel the teacher picked on you for not bringing sports kit, what do you think he could have done differently? What might help you remember to take your kit with you next time?”

Encourage them to use calming strategies (see previous blog). This is not easy if they haven’t practised so try to make time to role model and practice with them in calm times.

Explore creative solutions, sometimes rather than battle the demand, indulge in fulfilling it with fantasy wishes. So, when the world is coming to an end because there is no more ketchup, respond with ‘I can hear how upset you are, wouldn’t it be wonderful if I could grow wings and fly to the ketchup factory and bring the biggest bottle home!” Encourage them to join in and tell you how they might solve the problem. Being heard and understood how much they want something makes the situation more bearable.

Overwhelm sometimes manifests itself at bedtime or wakes them in the night. Instead of dismissing their fears pay attention to the feeling “you sound scared tell me more about it” Although the description may be imaginary, the feeling isn’t so don’t be tempted to distract them away from their fears as this is denying the emotion and blocks open communication. Try getting them to make up a story about what is frightening them, let them describe it in detail, give it a name. This way they feel heard and are soothed by your support.

There’s a fantastic range of books on emotions and it can be very helpful to have a discussion on the back of a story. This allows your child to identify with the characters and enables you to explore how it feels for them. (see below)

Finally, be kind and accepting of your own feelings and emotions. We all respond harshly at times and just haven’t got the capacity to stay calm. It's okay, you’re human and we make mistakes but repairing afterwards is the key. This is a great opportunity to demonstrate how to apologise and acknowledge we all get it wrong sometimes!