Why doesn’t my child listen to me!
This is a very common cry from parents of children from two to eighteen! We can slip into a pattern of communicating that’s just a list of instructions, which becomes white noise to our children. Learning to respect and communicate effectively can reduce our stress levels and helps us tune into each other. Here are some top tips and strategies to try.
Have you got their attention? It’s very easy to fall into the trap of ‘remote control’ instructions, shouting from the kitchen or upstairs and expect them to respond. It’s important to ensure you have their attention, get close to them and have eye contact, wait, and expect acknowledgement of what you have asked. ‘Dinner is ready so you need to wash your hands and come to the table’.
Are you using language that is appropriate to their age? We sometimes forget that in the early years they are still acquiring language skills so adapt your vocabulary and ensure that your message is clear. ‘We need to leave in 5 minutes, put on your shoes and coat now, so you’re ready’ rather than ‘leaving in 5 so get ready’.
Do you respond and listen to them? With the pressures of home working and technology, we are often ‘multi-tasking’, which means we’re not totally present. Communication is a two-way thing and you are their role model, so be aware of the message you are giving. Be mindful of the boundaries that you set for them and reflect that when they are talking. ‘I’m sorry, I need to deal with this task and then you will have my full attention, I want to hear what you have to say’.
Are you consistent in reinforcing the ground rules? This is probably the most difficult but essential element of building harmony and cooperation in the family. If you sometimes let them jump on the sofa and throw things but other times get cross, it’s very confusing. Everyone needs to be clear of the ground rules and its best if you can agree these together as a family. Even very young children can help make a poster of the things that are important. Keep the rules clear, simple and positive ‘It’s okay to jump and throw things outside’, ‘use kind words to each other’.
Have you prepared them with a reminder before a trigger moment? We know the times of day when we feel most frustrated and not heard so prepare the children beforehand. ‘It’s time to leave the park in 5 minutes, what last thing do you want to play on?’ Consider adding an incentive ‘Would you like to do some drawing when we get home?’. Don’t forget to celebrate and praise when they do what you have asked!
Is your request reasonable? One of the joys of childhood is being full of energy and unaware of social protocols, so yes, they can be noisy! Discuss how their behaviour is impacting on others and suggest a positive solution ‘if you want use loud voices you can go outside’ and invite them to give their solutions too. Rather than constantly repeating an instruction to be quieter, try using a sign such as turning the volume down with your ear (you will need to agree beforehand and get them to help choose the sign so they understand). Be consistent and remind them of the rule ‘where do we go if we want to throw things?’.
Be kind to yourself and celebrate the small successes!
